So im saying this bc its 9-11-2011, its a Sunday, me sis and giselle went to church and they were talking about 9-11 and forgiveness. So we go back to her apt and then I decide to call Chrissy so we can confront. Giselle has been lately so I did this time to Chrissy after ignoring them for like a month or so. So we say come by she says she doesn't know shell call us and let us know. So we go walking, n then suddenly she texts saying we're here and then things went down hill, elissa just leaves chrissy and of course Chrissy is her lawyer like always

I love animals. They are so much funner and realer than humans, but we all know how i feel about that. Now im journaling bc i have no1 to talk to or be with or just socialize with. Which sucks, but not really, bc theyre all fake n e way, im the realest person that i can talk to.Ignatius Wolf is even  fake, who isn't, red turned out evil fake. Ahg but i use that word so much, that its a sin, i cant be going around calling everyone evil. 

So thats what i've learned from that girl from tough love, llol. well she said silence can get you the best results and can speak loudest and get a point across moreso than saying anything. It can make people mad, get attention, sad, worried, curious, doubtful..etc. lol Well after red ignored me for like a couple days i think it was was or he didnt contact me... when he called next, he called a couple times i guess and i picked up when i was in the bathroom and said what do u want, hes like i gotta want something to talk to u, im like everytime u call me u want something.. hes like bla bla and im like u can suck my fiances cock or something lol and hung up.. he called again and i ignored. lol and then he called again after a couple days (im guessing with times) he called in the afternoon whilei was at work and also at night like maybe 9-15 times. and i ignored all, n then he started texting me pick up, oh so u blow up my phone using some1s phone and ucant answer mine, i knew silence is golden, he kept texting and texting and calling and calling dude, i loved it lol. and then hes like i gotta tell u something, he also said bitch, and he said "ull never change" and he said y r u calling me from ... (order wrong) and he said this is the last time im gonna call. n i picked up one of those times and hung up on hims

04/30

01:29 AM

586-244-9225

NEW HAVEN,MI

NW/WC/AU

1:00

last call when i recorded him and cussed himm out and said stop calling me while im ignoring u like a dog:

05/27

02:27 AM

586-244-9225

Incoming

NW/WC/AU

3:00

so anyways dude, hes sick, his new name should be diarrhea. On to perro, we've been talking, i saw him recently with sandra at flynn with his friend ace, and he tried to kiss me i rejected, another time in my backyard and we did kiss there, the convo before and after that day has been recorded. and another time today, this is how the day started: i went to work and came home and went out with mom and sis to salvation army, then they dropped me at sandras apt, and then perro came, and then diyana elisa and chrissy came and then it went downhill from there, diyanna didnt talk to n e 1 except perro basically. we went to the mall and then bla i went bipolar on perro n he asked for a kiss and hug and i asked y (after agreeing to be hooked up with diyana) n whatever. He messaged me on fb with this: lol nvm. gotta go love u God, Love U Jesus. Love u baba


So i'm back and its 7/24/11 11:29 pm. perro messaged me again liek the third or 4th time after that day from above ^^^^ that one day with diyanna and wanting to hook up with her. douchebag. i repsonded to him and im talking to him (very mean) just bc im desperate bc i dont have sandra or farah recently lol farah is busy with engagement and wedding stuff and sandra is not in mi now for 2 weeks. and umm nothing really else going on. oh ya i went out for the 2nd time with ronda and the cousins, this time without dijla and with laven.

Monday will make it 2 weeks strong that me and psycho have been going strong. I mean like 2 days ago on 5-5-2011 we got into an argument bc his friend Matt left his son to go pick up psycho bc i told psycho he can meet me up at tarjayor go get my meds from tarjet and then he gets there and i find out i call tarjay n they were closed, and they both got pissed at me, and whatever we got into an argument i texted him back and forth. it went like this, after he got pissed at me bc i told him tarjay is closed:

ME:Wowww now I see how u r. Didn't get what u want u hang up n want nothing else to do w me. Now i c. (then he called me asking me y hes the bad guy or why IM pissed. at him? then im like lemme talk to him bc he made it seem like omgsh this guy just left his son bla bla, im like lemme talk to him and apologize, and i kinda did and explained to him until he started being smart saying, r u sure it wasnt cvs or r u sure it wasnt dollar store, trying to insult my intellience, so i said fuck off and hung up)
ME: Ur such a dick. U just turned it on me. Instead of thanking me n being understand u pick a crackhead over me. Plz don't call me.ever.
HIM:Wow look how ur the liar...So u hung up...Wowwwwwww
HIM: It is on you u rushed me....And the whole art thing u didnt even have his number so thank u for wat wastin my time playin games wit me... Thanks
ME: I said BYE. I don't need to take on urdrama or problems. I was willing if u were appreciative but there's a line that u crossed. Plus I don't see u helping me out with SHIT. My own father passed n I was suicidal orcutting myself or called u on the funeral 20 times where were u?? You think I WILL EVERRRR FORGET ABOUT THAT??? GTFOH. BYE

and he hadnt called me until today at 5-7-2011 11:19 pm and of course it was missed bc he was blocked. lol yay it made me soo happy. I know i know, i mako a promise to myself to always be bitter and mad at him and think hes a loser, which in reality he is

Its not only bc my dress code has been all black, but because i spent all day at wsu and it was soooo ugly and dark, the clouds, as usual duh...wsu is always dark and cloudy and depressing. when is it not?  oh i have been talking to psycho since Monday april 25th. Today is the 4th day we've been talking... hes a big part of why i am feeling down. I feel ungenuinity. i have been showing that its bothering me and that bothers me, i shouldnt show that i care and that i love him  bc in the past, he took advantage of that. I have been talking to matthew ever since and psycho told him who my brothers are which pisses me off and matt brought me up and psycho said im not tryna deal with that, i just wanna get my life together n whatnot. he was apposing when matt would say shes a good friend bla bla, he would oppose his ideas of getting back with me and making it work. Matt told me hes not in love with me..but then he told me in detail what psycho said, and he said udk her shes crazy. He's called me crazy to other ppl before and has told ppl my mom is dying for him to ask for my hand... like really? talked about me to shrek and maybe others. wth? i dont get it n now hes barely trying to be all over me, i mean he does call me everyday and whenever he says he will, he says hes trying to make it better. I think i am doing too much too soon, its only been the 4th day we've been talking, and his freedom is on the line.. i dont like his actions with me thusfar but i cant freak out, that will just push him away and make him get over me. i have to be patient and caring and then when the time comes for me, i will bring it up. Our time will come, i have waited 2 yrs, i can wait 2 weeks or so. But if he continues to bring drama and headache into my life, like the jail situations. i am out. i cant deal with all his drama and waiting around for him. I have spent 2 yrs waiting around for him to get his crap together. I no longer want to do that. His friend Matt is pissing me off... i think he brought me down today and yesterday, saying that psycho isn't in love with me and that he has "info" ahg hes bringing me a headache thats unessasary, he has a son, thats just a no no, wth is wrong with him. Actually trying with me. He can be my friend, but thats it, i am not taking that risk dude. from both my family and psycho. I told psycho several times that this is the last straw and this is his last chance, if he messes up or disapears on me, its donzo. But i am soooo happy that he wants an intervention..again i can never fully trust that hes telling the truth or meaning it bc of his past, knowing how much he lies. But i am happy that he is mentioning God and that he is saying hes praying. hopefully hes not lying about that. I want all the answers to all these questions, he said we need to have a long talk...but will it ever happen? will it ever pass that point (it already has passed the point of 4 days!!) so im not gonna screw it up. I'm gonna be there for him and be supportive. I will wait it out this final time. Just to see the results and what will happen. At the end of the day, i do have very strong feelings for him and i do want him in my life. The saddest thing would be that he never wants to make it work with me and that hes not in love with me.. or ever was or ever will be. WTH is wrong with this world...ahg ppl r too much. too confusing. too big of a headache. It takes so much work to make a relationship work and to remain happy. its like the hardest thing ever. frikin great. Im gonna go call sandra and see what i should do and whatnot. she keeps it real at least when it comes to red. and she understands. so here we go... atleast i talk to him everyday... that for me, last week, was a miracle. And i spoke to him when i came back from seeing my dad. and thats when it started working out. I remember Daddy. I love u Baba. Thank you. alright ill keep u updated. its 7:43 pm on 4-28-2011 right now. Bye

So right now its 4:30 pm on feb-27-2011. I called him on v-day at 12:01 am n i have that recorded. we talked from like 12:01 am till 12:58 am, then he says his friend is coming to go smoke weed.. ya right. He asked me a million times that were gonna hang out, but of course he lied to me. because he doesnt care. obviously. So then on the morning of, i texted him, and at 5:38 pm i called him, he didnt answer of course. Once again bc he doesnt care. he looks at his phone, sees its me, remember promising me and feeding me words, and doesnt care to think twice about it. moves on to the next interesting thing. ok so w.e. he calls me and texts me saying "something i need to tell you" at 2-17-2011 at 2:34 am (he was blocked from my phone) and i text him the next night at 2-18-2011 12:27 am saying "?". he doesnt reply of course. so ive been really emotional and sad and decided to call him on feb-26-2011 at 1:52 am n it went on till like 5:30 am, this is also recorded. He pretended like hes falling asleep. hm maybe but no hes lying, he says he doesnt ever sleep at night. so thats a lie. theres nothing he says that is true. he treats me like every1 else. i am so depressed. i am so sad. i am so miserable. I always complain, but i am doing this to myself like farah says. I am following him. its disgusting how desperate ive become. Ive stuck myself in this place, where idk to be nice and be with him while he walks over me, or be pissed n mean n have him never around when i want him to. so that day, i talked to him nicely and i was really happy on the fone. but he ended up winning n making me look desperate bc he fell asleep on the fone n made me go crazy. so anyways the next day basically, i called him n he didnt answer of course at 3:15 pm feb-26-2011 at 3:18 pm, i text him this 3 times, but 2 of them times it said error.. effin great:::: text convo:::

 i said this "Hey babe I'm gonna be around ur area today, let me kno if u still wanted to hang. Rwwwwwawaaar " . n he replied with such effort the word "Come" at 5:46 pm. i said at 5:52 pm "I'm still at my cousins, I'll be there in half hr, that ok?" he wrote back with sooooo much workkkk at 5:53 pm "ok" n at 6:36 pm i wrote "coming" n he said at 6:39 pm "how long i wanna shower b4 u get here" i replied at 6:49 pm "I'll be there in 10 mins im driving". then i called him at 7:03 pm for directions. i basically took 17 mile on ryan east to schanor, and then went north to clinton river and went east again to garfield road. then idk, a series of turns and stuff, i passed something cliff, and then passed "ressurection cemetery" bla bla. i got there, he opened the door like i told him to. he was telling me how he coulda stood me up bla bla, making me feel lucky that hes talking to MEE! omgsh lol. wow i am so dumb and i let him play with me and mold me into whatever he wants outta emotion.

 so let me finish i go home after a hopeless visit of him just wanting to have sex n never talk seriously. he didnt wanna get back together bc he said lets take it slow. um he basically used me for touching and entertainment and then i left. i felt so cheap and nasty visiting him...like i felt with shrek. foreal. at one point he shut the door on me while i was walking out... before that he just went str8 outside to get rid of me, i had to say foreal ur gonna do that? i felt so desperate and like a cheap hoe. i felt used and abused. i felt degraded. i feel all these things. so then he tells me no more cycle n to drive carefully n call him when i get home, i called him at 10:13 pm and we talk for 6 minutes and he tells me he has to finish his movie, its almost done, hell call me back, its almost done.. of course he doesnt call, i text him at feb-27-2011 12:26 am saying "I am so sad babe " he texts back at 12:26 am saying "Woowww i waz just gonnna text youuu y r u sad" I reply at 12:27 am "My dad... You... :'( " he doesnt reply, and i call him at 1:33 am n  he doesnt answer or call me back. thats it. He doesnt deserve me.. i like to hold myself to higher regards. what do uuuuu mean "take it slow" ? he was the one begging me and crying back in the day when we used to break up literly on his knees. my heart is breaking all over again. i need to put an end to this. I need to figure out what i want, how to go about it. He says that everyone is going to vacation or something in a week or 2 so i have atleast till march 7th till i make a decision. u know so if it turns in my favor which there is honestly a 0.001 chance that it will. foreal...sadly...

i realize its over. Him and I. I would say all that love and all that passion and crazyness was real. it was from my part, but unfortently not from his part. Or else u dont just lose complete feelings the way he has. Its obvious i see it in his eyes, how he talks, his actions, i see how he is detatched. I need to realize this and accept it. He is over me. He is done with me, he won me. I am no longer fun. i am no longer a challenge. I am just another hoe. I am no more special than all the other girls he got sexual with, he used, he got money from, he lied to, he lead on, he disposed of. This is why i can no longer lose my integrity and pride. He can not think that i want him. He doesnt want me. u need to get this thru ur head. He noooooo longer wants uuuuuu, it is done, the spark is gooone that u had. it died dowwwnnn like u know it does with relationships. what is wrooong with u? why r u thinking u r any different? y r u thinking he is? y would u ever think that love btwn a man n a women would last forever??? y would u think its real? y r u getting urself all attached and emotional? this is not u babe, listen this is ur head thinking for u. If he truely loves u, he would not be able to live without u. brb church time, ok so im  back from church, its 9 pm. So i asked God for help and guidance and forigiveness and also talked about and to my dad. I will after i finish writing this too. So now back to psychos situation. here is what sandra said to do:

so its almost the 19th, which means its our 2nd year anniversary. We havent been talking, i blew him up one day and then the next morning or the day after that i got 2 private calls at 6 am. So idk. i hope i see him or he atleast calls me on the 19th. that would be superb. idk what to do, i still want stephen, hes like my dream. umm yesterday me giselle and matt hung out, with darko his dog and his kitty and we ordered pizza and bread sticks and cheese sticks. ummm what else, hmm not much ibeen talking to matt, hes keeping me entertained with convo, ooohhh yaa duhhhh i finally seen rafel like 2 days ago, we met up at walgreens and we went and got tim hortons and then went to that park by the church btwn ryan and mound. we got out and walked and then we went and sat in the middle of the playground in the dark and just talked, he had like 4-5 gf's, i told him i never made it official but i did talk and see this guy for a yr. umm he says there was one he loved but shes married now. so w/e ya his face is cute and his hieght, not his wieght or his hair, he needs to grow it, i mean its ok now but he needs to grow it. umm i didnt like alot about him, hes not a puppy and he didnt like call me, he just texted me saying hi. um oh i talked to that mexican names elpido or something i call him urine or pee. ahg overall i miss psycho and i want steven. end of story lol.

so yesterday i texted him saying come or stop by when u leavig. i call him later and he picks up still at work bc its the first of the month he says so they were busy. and he says ill call u to let u know in 10 mins, he takes like an hr at like 2:40 and he comes. i leave around 330ish bc i was scared dude. And i go to the side of the house. He was being really nice and weird b4 on his drive here. Saying stuff like i love u. and asking if ima wear a skirt. meoww? umm no i just wore a huge black t and my underwear and i went to the side. He came and i looked at him for a while and then gave a hug, hi how r u's, missed u's bla bla. then hes like well what did u wanna tell me in person, i told him whta did u wana tell me. We talked, we argued more. He started saying how effed up things were and how effed up i treated him. Bla bla and i couldnt take no more complaining and i brought up the physical abuse and just wanted him to feel remorse. And then we kissed, i didnt feel like kissing surprisingly. I wasnt so into it bc my emotions were detatched. I wana work thru that, i wanna stop being weird and im gonna try no to. He kept saying things hintly but openly that he wants me. He asks me what i want, im like u, hes like me too, im like u want urself too? lol i would make lil jokes like that all night. We were together for about 2 hrs or 2 and a half. So we talk and work it a lil out, the bigger picture atleast, and we became official again. Im like im down for anything i just want u in my life, if u wana be open, if u want a break, not label it, just friends, im cool. Hes like i want it all, i want it official. Im like really? but ur just effing with me right now, i kept thinking hes tryna f with me which i still dont know for sure. He says no bla bla. and then im like really? so were back together? so ur my boyfriend, hes like ya, he was being soo nice and romantic and like how he used to be and i miss it, he wasnt zoning out like he had been for the past yr. He was all attentive onto me and stuff. like his old self. I told him not to f with me and lie and stuff and bla bla. we kissed, he kissed my neck it gave me goosebumbs and my n h, lolllllllll i told him and then hes like ya u even have goosebumbs. He kept holding me, i wanted to hold his hand. He let me. He asked me what did u do monday (bc i sent a text saying i did something u wouldnt like monday) i said i went on a date, hes like have u kissed anybody (this is the 2nd time hes asking me this) i said no, hes like so im the last person u've kissed im like ya. umm he'd grab my ass on occasions. He'd get h on occasions when were not serious talking. im like i went to the zoo and i saw kangaroos and i thought of u lol. im like i missed him, i like him, hes like he doesnt like u. im like yyy, hes like bc u cause pain or somethign like that. meow? he kept calling me crazy and to become normal.. ahgggg!!! so annoying. he confessed to being wipped tho and gettin effed up majorly. He saw my scars. idk if he even said anything significant... w.e. umm what else? he was wearing a blk wife beater, blue shorts and dark blue boxers. white gym shoes. his hair is medium, surprisingly it was nice. and he looked above ok, bc his hair and he kept looking at me. the kangaroo looked below my accpectancies. umm at the end he gave me a hicky bc i wanted one, and everytime i asked him for anything, like go lookout for me, he would listen, it was sooooo adorable and so much of why im into him. He told me he loved me, plenty of times. and even said i always have and i really do alot. bla bla and i told him i really care alot about him and i like him more than anyone in the world. he says ya something about beleiving it not this time? idk something like that. umm i told him lets f, hes like ok. hes like when..im like now.. he kept looking into my eyes the whole time but this time it freaked me out lol. and um im like ok? idk how to, u start or something directing it back to him. hes like ok and did a slight movement i thinkkkkk and igot freaked out and couldnt take it anymore lol so i stopped it with laughtor. umm in the beginning i told him he might be here bc hes bored, he got pissed to where he threatened to leave if i thought that way, hes like y am i here bc iwana be with u, im like ur effing with me, hes like y and i think thats when i said that. and he got home and as promised texted me "6:07 Im home goodnite" and i said sweetdreams muah and then this morningn at 9:46 he texted me saying "Goodmorning beautiful" and i was like aw good morning hot boyfriend. I was changing and seen the hicky lol.

So today was my 2nd day in group and this hott ryan gosling guy was our therapist and wowwwww do i want him or whaaat. hes totally perfect, perfect job, mentality, looks (too skinny), personality. I know i cant judge a book but i kinda want to, i mean its ryan gosling dude. In the flesh i met him lol. So yesterday i didnt talk almost at all in group and today i did the first half of group with that blk therapist. I talked about daddy. Then they kept taking me out to get my blood draw, then to pee, then to see the psychologist, then to go see the therapist jennifer. So ya it was kind of hectic day lol. But i did love it bc id be queit on stephens half of the session, n he'd ask. Hed also talk and then when im not looking he'd look. Hes on and off with his gf so umm ya thats not really good lol, i think he said 5 yrs, he loves children and hes very optimistic. I took a couple pics of him lol. so i can send em to farah (i went over her house after therapy). Anyways this girl said something about smoking, and he kept trying to have ppl take a break, like u guys can go out for a ciggerate break. So everyone left basically, and him and i stayed, he asked me why im here, i kind of told him i dont open up and talk, umm i was joking with him, hed smile the cuttest most innocent smile everrrrrrrrrrrrr, omgshh i wana see that everyday of my life man... Ima pray to God i end up with him tonight. I really really really think he'd be an excellent rebound. But idk if he'd like me... and my values and morals and culture..ya i hope he does love me. I pray to God and Mariam Athra...ya.
So last night at i think like 2 or 3, i was listening to redbulls video audio things u know and then i shut it and started thinking, missing, and crying over him. I wished and hoped and imagined he was next to me. Then about 10 mins later, i get a phone call and it was him!!! i pick up in such disbeleif, this is the 2nd time this week he called me, the last time was to ask y i was calling him blocked, when i wasn't. lol he basically asked me this time what was the late night fone call about. i told him i need someone once u suddently left and i went from 100 to 0. He said hes not talking to anyone. At first when he called we were both drowsy lol and i told him i was just thinking about him, he said him too and he just woke up from a dream where we were living together and were having a conversation and then we went to bed or something. I told him i really miss him, he said him too. oh ya at first he said he wants to see me. I said can u come in a half hr - 20 mins, hes like ok. Then later i accidently lost signal and we were both trying to reach e/o but i got him back first and called and we kept talking. We talked for about almost an hr and a half. Then we slept on the fone together. I told him to call me babe, he kept saying no and then outta nowhere he said ok babe fast lol. Haha he kept trying to manipulate and turn the i love u requests back to me when i asked him to say it to me. I told him i think hes hoat. lol hot and he said no how do u know i gained 50 pounds i have a huge bald spot. i said ya u do have a big one. lol hes like what. im like nothing he made me repeat it. he giggled or something crap ya bla bla i have it recorded. anyways byes!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aug-19-2010

8-15-2010   2:43 am for 5 mins to ask y im calling him private  (incoming)
8-18-2010   2:51 am for 6 mins                                                 (incoming)
                   3:05 am for 17 mins      i lost signal                       (outgoing)
                   3:23 am for 51 mins                                              (incoming)
                   3:08 pm to see if were hangning out bc he dont work till 6 (outgoing)
8-19-2010  12:26 am texted saying "If u wana u can come"
                    2:35 am to call n talk to and bitch out                                   (outgoing)
                   2:46 am to call and bitch out, i left a vm saying its really really important (outgoing)

and i Love God. woww so the whole 16 or18 hr search happened like 2 or 3 days ago when i was at starbux studying with billy and farah, i get a call that paris followed my mom when she was getting groceries and got freaked and flew. AHHHG it was hell from 6 pm ish till like 9:30 ish am the next day, i didnt sleep at all, and today i havent slept either bc of school. But ya nothing can upset my really, its hard to bc I got my Paris back, teehee. ive basically been thankful, and i went to church, me and farah r not cussing for a week and not eating meat 2-3 times a day. so Paris is a bit more vocal. umm idk what else to talk about, there really isnt aynthing, im not even stressing out about ol' boy red.